For as long as I can remember, my uncle, Barrie Marchant, has written parodies for his Christmas letters. About three or four years ago, he asked me to co-write this letter, and I’ve continued to help him since then. He comes up with the brilliant concept and together we put it together into something that we think is funny. So, without further ado, here is our 2017 Christmas letter:
“The amazing new Republican Tax Plan written by President Trump is the most amazing improvement for Christmas since Rudolf became lead reindeer,” declares White House source, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity. Fox News correspondent, Daphne Higbee, reached out to identify the source of this bold assertion, and ask for further explanation. The following is a transcription of their conversation:
Anon. source: It is a really, really fantastic plan; the best tax plan ever written. We have the smartest guys—great guys—working, doing a fantastic job; Paul Ryan, a really fantastically smart tax guy—probably the smartest ever—promises that Santa’s tax bill [taxes?] will really drop; it will do so much for Christmas—but watch, the Fake Media will never report—like $40 or $50 million dollars—
Correspondent: Santa’s taxes will drop $50 million?
Anon.: –not as much as Sheldon Adelson or the Koch brothers or some of the other awesome job creators that I know personally. He cried—Santa—real big grateful tears, for this fantastic present from the president.
Corres.: So Santa—
Anon.: And the elves cried—they were all so grateful in the North Pole—they said, Mr. President, why are you the first one to care about—I don’t know, I guess Barack and Michelle don’t believe—Mick, my really, really smart secretary, promises this is the first. Ever. Tax bill that helped elves. Not even the Keebler elves have gotten a tax cut by any president. Even that great genius, a personal friend, Ronald Reagan—who first suggested that I would make a great president—never wrote a plan that helped elves.
Anon.: Paul Ryan was one of the great minds at work here—so you know it’s excellent quality, brilliantly thought out—this amazing plan will give a lot to the poor—most Americans—especially Americans making less than $100,000 per year—which is what I spend at restaurants—
Anon.:–the highly respected, excellent Platte Institute research group says that the average American family will get $5,000 each year from my excellent tax bill to use for Christmas gifts like sail boats or jewelry for their wives. Believe me, there are some perfectly respectable boats poor families can buy for $5,000, and I think some women would appreciate a $5,000 ring. Not Melania, but average girls, anyone below a 7—I am truly blessed to marry truly beautiful beautiful women—$5000 is a $2.50 an hour raise for women making only $70,000 or $80,000 a year–really says something about a tax bill that is so very, very helpful and you know Obama never gave out raises to workers. Not even at Christmas. We will probably start calling this amazing bill the greatest Christmas gift ever—gggggggggggggggggffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
[End of transcription]
Others with the present administration seem to agree with our anonymous source. Vice President Mike Pence tweeted that the tax bill will keep Santa in business.
Secretary of the Interior explained shrinking the monuments and announced unprecedented interest in Christmas Land. Ending its status as a national monument will open it up for coal mining and oil development. “After all the coal Santa has given me over the years,” Secretary Zinke said, “we know the land is brimming with the energy source.”
The Secretary of Treasury reported that 7 of 10 low income Americans polled indicated that they would use their $10,000 tax reduction to purchase big ticket items this Christmas.
And Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos identified Santa as the core problem in public education, banning all Santa books from American classrooms.
From all of us @FOXNEWS, Have a Trumptastic Christmas. Remember that “Wealth through Debt” is what Christmas is all about and festive MAGA hats, shirts, dresses, steaks, wine and lingerie (sizes 0-4) are available at:
Donald, Daphne and Barrie
Now that the tax bill has passed, @realDonaldTrump has been busy tweeting his victory and I have been snickering at the similarities between them and this letter. I wanted to share some of those with you:
And of course, it wouldn’t be complete without this little gem from CNBC reporter, Christina Wilkie: